At the beginning…

Surgery wasn’t what I expected, not really.

I woke up, and I hurt, really hurt, and the hurting didn’t ease until almost 24 hours had passed – and that’s saying a lot when you think about the drugs pumping through my system.

I didn’t feel like something was missing. I mean I really don’t miss my uterus. I don’t feel somehow incomplete. I didn’t actually expect to feel that way, but I worried that maybe I would. That maybe I would feel hollow. I don’t.

I’m not even at 50% yet, and it’s been almost a week. I know I was told I would feel better around 2 weeks, but in my head that meant back to brand new. I know this is silly, but what I wanted to do was feel at 80% within a few days. I thought I would have to force myself to take it easy. Nope.

Everything I do is an effort. The stairs are a humbling experience. Riding in the car is exhausting, and every bump in the road feels like an assault.

And work… work has contacted me twice in my absence already, and it has completely stressed me out. Not complicated tasks, just answering questions. The first time I refused (I mean seriously, the person bothering me doesn’t even work at my firm), but the second time I tried to help. My heart raced, I was terse, and I snapped a bunch at the caller (thankfully he knows me and will ignore that).

When your body is physically under stress, your ability to respond to more complicated tasks (say… things like thinking) is greatly diminished. This is why, even if you have a desk job, even if you can work from home – you need to stay away from work. You really must rest.

Aubrey wants me to sit on the floor and play with her. I literally cannot do this. Yesterday I saw her falling out of her chair. I knew she was going to hit the ground and her head, she was two feet away (max), and I couldn’t do anything about it.

And then she was sobbing, and I still couldn’t do anything.

I couldn’t get out of my chair and scoop her up. She was crying, and I was crying, feeling completely inept.

She wasn’t really hurt, mostly just scared. My family helped her into the chair with me, and I snuggled her next to my side (and eventually we both quit crying).

I woke up this morning and the world was still turning. I made it down to the basement to sit in a recliner. It required a rest stop on the main level, but I made it.

I want so much more, to feel so much stronger, but it’s true what they say – you must start where you are.

Where I am is here, at the beginning.

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